Growing UP

I’ve begun to realized that in my mind I’m still a child needing guidance. I’m still looking for and wanting to be held and told it’s all going to be alright. I’ve been married twice, and engaged to be married five times. Everytime it just wasn’t exactly what I needed, so unfortunately I was the one who ended them all. I just wasn’t happy. They were good men, kind, all of them loved me I’m certain. But I was looking for something that was extraordinary, when all those relationships, while in the beginning seemed magical, turned out to be just ordinary.

When I came to the path over eight years ago, it was through the Hindu discipline. Reading the teachings of Sai Baba awakened something in me that had been sleeping. Something that was knowing and centered. It changed me, my world changed. I seperated from my husband of eight years, and for the first time started to understand who I really was, and more, what it was I wanted. I found comfort, love and safety in the path. I wanted to help others know that they are not alone either. That we all ARE indeed exactly the same inside, and all want desperately to be safe and happy. I knew Sai wasn’t my root Guru, but I respected him and loved his compassionate activities.

That’s when Jetsunma came into my life. Many, many auspicous things happened around this change. When I first heard about her, it shocked me. Where had I heard about a woman, born in Brooklyn, who had been the first western born woman to be recognized as a Tulku? A sangha member who I’d done business with was talking about her at a stupa dedication, and I knew I’d heard of her before. I went home, straight to the bookshelf, and there was a book I’d bought 6 months before named “Reborn in the West”. But I’d never read it. It caught my eye, I bought it in Tucson, but never read it. When I pulled it from the shelf that day, there was Jetsunma on the cover. I was astonished. I read the chapter on her and immediately knew that SHE would tell me who I was, and SHE would tell me why I’m here.

I quickly sat down and wrote her an eight page letter, ripped it up, and rewrote one page. It was a moment of reaching out. I received and answer with encouragement to come to the center and begin learning the practice and attending the teachings and classes. I never looked back. I’d found my root Lama at last.

I’d been selected as the President of the Sai Baba Center in Sedona, and quit. It was Sai’s birthday and I’d painted a portrait of him with the intent of offering it to the Center. Instead, I attended a celebration in Phoenix where over 300 members attended. I offered it there knowing it would be the last time I’d be a part of the Sai Baba devotees.

When I returned to the valley where I lived, an enormous, complete double rainbow spanned from one end of the valley to the other. The drop into the valley is around 3,000 feet, and as the road curved down to the bottom the rainbow seemed to follow me. It was astonishing since all around was a storm with rain and darkness. Only over the valley at that very spot was the sun shinning through, creating this miraculous sight. I definitely took it to be confirmation that the choice I was making was perfect.All my Sai devotee friends supported my change. They understood somehow and had respect for Jetsunma. All but one, whose family were the very ones who introduced me to Sai. And that’s another story I’ll save for later.